I don’t have time.
I’m too busy.
I’m too tired.
I should focus more on the kids.
Chasing my dream is selfish.
How many of these lies have you used to hold yourself back from sharing your gifts with the world?
I used all of them. I still use some of them, like last week when I complained that snow days made it impossible to write. That is simply not true. I just did other things instead of writing because I’m afraid of what happens after I finish this book.
Let’s get honest here. Some of this might be hard to read, I know it was for me, but it’s also helpful to be called out on our lies so we can get out of our own way.
You have the time for what’s important to you. I help clients lay out their weekly schedules so they can find time to fit in their dreams. Every single person I’ve worked with has found time.
You are busy because you’re saying yes to things you actually want to say no to. Say no, it will feel amazing!
You’re tired because you’re busy doing things you don’t actually want to do. See above re: saying no.
Your kids are fine. They know you love them. They also love you and want you to be happy and fulfilled. Don’t force them to carry the burden of your un-lived dreams. They’ll do it even if you don’t ask them to.
Not sharing your gifts with the world is selfish. We could all benefit from you shining your light so please, please, please turn it on. I can’t wait to see what you do.
New from me:
I’m Teaching My Daughter There’s No Wrong Way to Be a Woman
“Tiny Human’s feet — translucent skin, blue veins, little toes — splash in the water as we shower, “Mama, when I grow up, do I have to shave my legs too?” her eyes follow the razor over the curve of my shin.
I pause, mid-stroke, shifting my gaze, so my eyes meet her matching ones, “No, my little. You can, if you want to, but you don’t have to,” the water rains down on us, slightly too cool for me, but just right for her sensitive skin.
When we’re dry and wrapped in towels, I show her pictures of women with natural body hair.
“So, there’s no wrong way to be a girl?” Her eyes sparkle at me with excitement at the possibilities.
“No, baby, there isn’t,” I fill with pride when I hear her echo my words.
“Girls can have long hair, or short hair, or eyelashes, or shave, or not shave,” She draws out the end of each statement, so it sounds like a song, and turns her palms up at the end for emphasis.”
I Was the Woman Who Said I Didn’t Get Along With Women
“Kelly said you’ve been acting different.” My mom was concerned. She noticed changes in me, too, and wasn’t sure whether to chalk it up to adolescent angst or more than that.
“I don’t know. I just don’t think I get along with girls very well,” I started practicing this excuse at 13, and by the time I reached adulthood, it was deeply ingrained as part of my identity.
I started distancing myself from my female friends around the same time I learned I was bisexual. I kept women at arm's length because I was afraid that if I let them get too close, they’d either learn my secret, or I’d fall in love with them. I didn’t want to be bisexual. I wanted to be straight; it was easier to do what the people around me expected.
I moved into the dorms my freshman year of college, and after my first roommate left school, I was assigned a new one I’ll call Rhonda. Rhonda had hair bleached blond on one side and dyed fuschia on the other. Her jeans were always ripped with fishnet stockings underneath (this was before you could buy ripped jeans at every Aeropostale). When she really wanted to stick it to “the man,” Rhonda would get a new tattoo or wear a thong on the outside of her jeans, depending on her mood's permanency.
Rhonda incited fear, excitement, and a giant pile of steaming envy. I loved her; I was afraid of her; I wanted to be her.
That’s not to say I wanted to wear a thong outside my jeans (I’m more of a swing dress and bucket hat girl); I just wanted not to care what people thought I should be doing. I wanted her freedom.
I Used to Be Busy, Now I’m Happy
Are you tired yet? If you’re anything like I was, you’re not only tired — you’re raging at your husband because you’ve told yourself he never helps around the house. Meanwhile, you’re rewashing the dishes he just washed and telling him he’s not putting the diaper on correctly.
When I was teaching, I’d walk around the school building wearing busy like a badge of honor. I did the same at the playground on Saturday morning. I wasn’t the only one. Every working mother I knew said the same thing. It didn’t matter if the conversation was in person, via text, or over the phone.
“How are you?”
“I’m soooo busy.”
Why do we do this to ourselves? We are human beings, not robots. We need time to play, sleep, rest, and wander through the woods with no agenda. Somehow, the mark of a good mother, a good employee, and a good person is being too busy for the bare minimum of self-care. Also, dad’s can change diapers just as well as moms can. Back out of the nursery and let him do it.
Our brains are story-telling geniuses. Women have taken in society’s messaging and told themselves that to be a good woman, they have to be busy taking care of everyone else. Your brain is making that shit up. It’s not real.
New Gig!
I’m managing a blog for I Got You! Fitness. Craig Chivers is the owner and trainer who has helped me regain function after each flare, and he was my first small business coaching client. Check out his site, and subscribe for fitness news and tips every month.
My Reading List:
I Just finished reading The Silent Daughter by Claire Amarti. Her characters are ordinary women with flaws we can all relate to. In her author’s note at the end of the novel, Claire discusses the destructiveness of silencing feminine voices.
When I started my entrepreneurial journey I was interested in maximizing the limited amount of time I’m able to spend in front of the computer. Due to my illness I can’t always sit upright, see properly, or type so I needed to be strategic. I read Daniel Pink’s When: The Scientific Secrets of Perfect Timing to help me figure this out. I’m a lark: I have to do my heady work in the morning. If you’re working on finding the best time to focus on your endeavors, check this book out.
Girl, Wash Your Face by Rachel Hollis is a favorite of mine and explores topics similar to the ones found in this newsletter. Hollis has come under fire recently for announcing a divorce when her brand and podcast focused on healthy relationships. I think we should all stop shaming her for making the best decision for her family and just focus on our own issues. Sometimes the healthiest thing to do for a relationship is to end it. Also, her book is funny.