Holy crap have I lied to myself a lot this week! The stories we tell ourselves that hold us back are so often untrue, but when we are in the habit of listening to expectations and shoulds instead of our true selves we get stuck in quicksand.
Here are some actual lies I said to myself this week:
Lie: I don’t think I can actually write stuff people want to read.
Truth: Actual human people are reading my work, responding positively, and asking for more. Imposter syndrome is an asshat.
Lie: My chronic illness has changed my body and I can’t pull off the same clothing I could when I was in weightlifting shape. Look at the way my stomach is protruding again.
Truth: I have a uterus. That uterus has grown actual human people. My stomach is fine, my thighs are fine, and I am fine as hell (even on days I don’t change out of my sweats).
Lie: If I take time to rest when I feel like I got hit by a semi-truck I’m not being a good mother.
Truth: My kids do not want me to push through pain in order to play board games, cook dinner, or anything else. They are human beings capable of empathy and my illness gives them an opportunity to practice that skill.
I’m fairly certain there are tons more lies I’m forgetting about at the moment. I know this to be true because I’ve spent the better part of 37 years trying to fit myself into a tiny cube formed by expectations and padded with “shoulds.” I’m really good at weaving stories for myself that hold me back from my potential.
In this second issue of Lies We Tell Ourselves I’m spilling some truths about sexual assault, marriage, and eggs. Some of these stories are a bit heavy, and others are a bit fluffier (like scrambled eggs) because that’s what life is, heavy stuff surrounded by the lighter fare that keeps us on our toes.
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I Told Myself My Assault Didn’t Matter, But It Did
Warning: this story contains descriptions of sexual assault that may be disturbing to some readers.
As a twelve-year-old girl, a male babysitter sexually assaulted me. I hid it in hopes that it wouldn’t matter, but it changed the trajectory of my life in some very serious ways. I didn’t start moving forward from that point until a chance encounter with my abuser sparked an immediate need to deal with the trauma.
I Said I Wanted to Get Married, But I Lied
Sometimes we fight our subconscious thoughts so hard that they stop popping up. We beat our intuition into submission. This is one such story. I knew I didn’t want to get married. I knew I wasn’t ready - that I needed to live a life first, but I got married anyway because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do.
"Living in a box formed by expectations makes you a big fat liar. When you can no longer see over the walls, when you’ve lied to yourself for years, you won’t even remember you have a truth.
What Eggs Taught Me About Divorce
A breakfast date inspires risk-taking that launches an egg-fueled bout of self-discovery.
After that day, I went on an egg-discovery mission. I poached them, fried them, and beat them into submission in a frittata. Picture an egg-obsessed Martha Stewart with a toddler on one hip and a slotted, flexible spatula in one hand (those things are the best for flipping eggs. Go get one).
Now that I’m thinking about it, perhaps I spent so much time on eggs so I could avoid finding out any more truths about myself that were more difficult to handle than a runny yolk, but that’s another story altogether.
In upcoming issues, I’ll discuss lies that kept me from chasing the career of my dreams, why it’s okay if you demand lots of attention from your partner, and why I don’t think your children should be your first priority. I’d also love to hear from you in the comments, or on Instagram or Twitter about the lies you believed about yourself that you’re unpacking or have already discarded.